The impacts of Child Abuse, through the
eyes of an officer
SPOKANE, WA – As the first ones to arrive on the scene of a crime, law enforcement officers see the impacts of child abuse firsthand.
“It’s something that you don’t get over quickly – it may never leave you,” said Spokane Police Officer John O’Brien. “It doesn’t get easier to deal with. It’s really hard to understand what’s going on in the minds of a parent or guardian that would do that to a child,” he said.
He says child abuse can affect anyone, in any situation. It’s not limited to a certain neighborhood or demographic. That’s part of what makes it difficult to address.
“A crime against an adult is horrible as it is, but when you have an innocent, defenseless child who doesn’t know they’re going to be victimized it’s devastating. There’s no way for that child to fight back or protect themselves,” O’Brien said.
Especially when a child’s life ends because of abuse.
“Officers, you know we have this uniform and we have a tough exterior at times but we are human and we have those same emotions it’s hard to see a child killed at the hands of another person,” O’Brien said.
When law enforcement responds to a child abuse call, they have a chance to break the cycle of abuse. That’s something that sticks with them.
“You often wonder did that make a difference? Did that turn the tide for them, that they’ve got clean, done any of the programs that have learned how to be a parent? Because parenting is not easy at times,” O’Brien said.
That’s why — police say— the community’s help is so critical.
“We can do our part, but we also want the community to help us do that part to say something to partner with us so that we can stop or do our best to at least reduce or eliminate child abuse,” O’Brien said.
When to seek help for anger management and control
If your anger is still spiraling out of control, despite putting the previous anger management techniques into practice, or if you’re getting into trouble with the law or hurting others – you need more help. There are many therapists, classes, and programs for people with anger management problems. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. You’ll often find others in the same shoes, and getting direct feedback on techniques for controlling anger can be tremendously helpful.
Consider professional help if:
You feel constantly frustrated and angry no matter what you try.
Your temper causes problems at work or in your relationships.
You avoid new events and people because you feel like you can’t control your temper.
You have gotten in trouble with the law due to your anger. Your anger has ever led to physical violence.
Your anger has ever led to physical violence.
Therapy for anger problems. Therapy can be a great way to explore the reasons behind your anger. If you don’t know why you are getting angry, it’s very hard to control. Therapy provides a safe environment to learn more about your reasons and identify triggers for your anger. It’s also a safe place to practice new skills in expressing your anger.
Anger management classes or groups. Anger management classes or groups allow you to see others coping with the same struggles. You will also learn tips and techniques for managing your anger and hear other people’s stories. For domestic violence issues, traditional anger management is usually not recommended. There are special classes that go to the issue of power and control that are at the heart of domestic violence.
If your loved one has an anger management problem
If your loved one has an anger problem, you probably feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time. But always remember that you are not to blame for your loved one’s anger. There is never an excuse for physically or verbally abusive behavior. You have a right to be treated with respect and to live without fear of an angry outburst or a violent rage.
Tips for dealing with a loved one’s anger management problem
While you can’t control another person’s anger, you can control how you respond to it:
Set clear boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate.
Wait for a time when you are both calm to talk to your loved one about the anger problem. Don’t bring it up when either one of you is already angry.
Remove yourself from the situation if your loved one does not calm down.
Consider counseling or therapy for yourself if you are having a hard time standing up for yourself.
Put your safety first. Trust your instincts. If you feel unsafe or threatened in any way, get away from your loved one and go somewhere safe.
Anger isn’t the real problem in abusive relationships
Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his behavior and temper. In fact, abusive behavior is a deliberate choice for the sole purpose of controlling you. If you are in an abusive relationship, know that couples counseling is not recommended – and that your partner needs specialized treatment, not regular anger management classes.
Anger management tip 1: Explore what’s really behind your anger
If you’re struggling with out-of-control anger, you may be wondering why your fuse is so short. Anger problems often stem from what you’ve learned as a child. If you watched others in your family scream, hit each other, or throw things, you might think this is how anger is supposed to be expressed. Traumatic events and high levels of stress can make you more susceptible to anger as well.
Anger is often a cover-up for other feelings
In order to get your needs met and express your anger in appropriate ways, you need to be in touch with what you are really feeling. Are you truly angry? Or is your anger masking other feelings such as embarrassment, insecurity, hurt, shame, or vulnerability?
If your knee-jerk response in many situations is anger, it is very likely that your temper is covering up your true feelings and needs. This is especially likely if you grew up in a family where expressing feelings was strongly discouraged. As an adult, you may have a hard time acknowledging feelings other than anger.
Clues that there’s something more to your anger
You have a hard time compromising. Is it hard for you to understand other people’s points of view, and even harder to concede a point? If you grew up in a family where anger was out of control, you may remember how the angry person got his or her way by being the loudest and most demanding. Compromising might bring up scary feelings of failure and vulnerability.
You have trouble expressing emotions other than anger. Do you pride yourself on being tough and in control, never letting your guard down? Do you feel that emotions like fear, guilt, or shame don’t apply to you? Everyone has those emotions, and if you think you don’t, you may be using anger as a cover for them.
You view different opinions and viewpoints as a personal challenge to you. Do you believe that your way is always right and get angry when others disagree? If you have a strong need to be in control or a fragile ego, you may interpret other perspectives as a challenge to your authority, rather than simply a different way of looking at things.
If you are uncomfortable with many emotions, disconnected, or stuck on an angry one-note response to everything, it might do you some good to get back in touch with your feelings. Emotional awareness is the key to self-understanding and success in life. Without the ability to recognize, manage, and deal with the full range of human emotions, you’ll inevitably spin into confusion, isolation, and self-doubt.
Anger management tip 2: Be aware of your anger warning signs and triggers
While you might feel that you just explode into anger without warning, in fact, there are physical warning signs in your body. Anger is a normal physical response. It fuels the “fight or flight” system of the body, and the angrier you get, the more your body goes into overdrive. Becoming aware of your own personal signs that your temper is starting to boil allows you to take steps to manage your anger before it gets out of control.
Pay attention to the way anger feels in your body
Knots in your stomach
Clenching your hands or jaw
Feeling clammy or flushed
Pacing or needing to walk around
Having trouble concentrating
Tensing your shoulders
Identify the negative thought patterns that trigger your temper
You may think that external things — the insensitive actions of other people, for example, or frustrating situations — are what cause your anger. But anger problems have less to do with what happens to you than how you interpret and think about what happened. Common negative thinking patterns that trigger and fuel anger include:
Overgeneralizing. For example, “You always interrupt me. You NEVER consider my needs. EVERYONE disrespects me. I NEVER get the credit I deserve.”
Obsessing on “shoulds” and “musts”. Having a rigid view of the way things should or must be and getting angry when reality doesn’t line up with this vision.
Mind reading and jumping to conclusions. Assuming you “know” what someone else is thinking or feeling—that he or she intentionally upset you, ignored your wishes, or disrespected you.
Collecting straws. Looking for things to get upset about, usually while overlooking or blowing past anything positive. Letting these small irritations build and build until you reach the “final straw” and explode, often over something relatively minor.
Blaming. When anything bad happens or something goes wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault. You blame others for the things that happen to you rather than taking responsibility for your own life.
Avoid people, places, and situations that bring out your worst
Stressful events don’t excuse anger, but understanding how these events affect you can help you take control of your environment and avoid unnecessary aggravation. Look at your regular routine and try to identify activities, times of day, people, places, or situations that trigger irritable or angry feelings. Maybe you get into a fight every time you go out for drinks with a certain group of friends. Or maybe the traffic on your daily commute drives you crazy. Then think about ways to avoid these triggers or view the situation differently so it doesn’t make your blood boil.
Anger management tip 3: Learn ways to cool down
Once you know how to recognize the warning signs that your temper is rising and anticipate your triggers, you can act quickly to deal with your anger before it spins out of control. There are many techniques that can help you cool down and keep your anger in check.
Quick tips for cooling down
Focus on the physical sensations of anger. While it may seem counterintuitive, tuning into the way your body feels when you’re angry often lessens the emotional intensity of your anger.
Take some deep breaths. Deep, slow breathing helps counteract rising tension. The key is to breathe deeply from the abdomen, getting as much fresh air as possible into your lungs.
Exercise. A brisk walk around the block is a great idea. It releases pent-up energy so you can approach the situation with a cooler head.
Use your senses. Take advantage of the relaxing power of your sense of sight, smell, hearing, touch, and taste. You might try listening to music or picturing yourself in a favorite place.
Stretch or massage areas of tension. Roll your shoulders if you are tensing them, for example, or gently massage your neck and scalp.
Slowly count to ten. Focus on the counting to let your rational mind catch up with your feelings. If you still feel out of control by the time you reach ten, start counting again.
Give yourself a reality check
When you start getting upset about something, take a moment to think about the situation. Ask yourself:
How important is it in the grand scheme of things?
Is it really worth getting angry about it?
Is it worth ruining the rest of my day?
Is my response appropriate to the situation?
Is there anything I can do about it?
Is taking action worth my time?
Anger management tip 4: Find healthier ways to express your anger
If you’ve decided that the situation is worth getting angry about and there’s something you can do to make it better, the key is to express your feelings in a healthy way. When communicated respectfully and channeled effectively, anger can be a tremendous source of energy and inspiration for change.
Pinpoint what you’re really angry about
Have you ever gotten into an argument over something silly? Big fights often happen over something small, like a dish left out or being ten minutes late. But there’s usually a bigger issue behind it. If you find your irritation and anger rapidly rising, ask yourself “What am I really angry about?” Identifying the real source of frustration will help you communicate your anger better, take constructive action, and work towards a resolution.
Take five if things get too heated
If your anger seems to be spiraling out of control, remove yourself from the situation for a few minutes or for as long as it takes you to cool down. A brisk walk, a trip to the gym, or a few minutes listening to some music should allow you to calm down, release pent up emotion, and then approach the situation with a cooler head.
Always fight fair
It’s okay to be upset at someone, but if you don’t fight fair, the relationship will quickly break down. Fighting fair allows you to express your own needs while still respecting others.
Make the relationship your priority. Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.
Focus on the present. Once you are in the heat of arguing, it’s easy to start throwing past grievances into the mix. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the present to solve the problem.
Choose your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worthy of your time and energy. If you pick your battles rather than fighting over every little thing, others will take you more seriously when you are upset.
Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.
Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.
Tips and Techniques for Getting Anger
Do you have a short fuse or find yourself getting into frequent arguments and fights? Anger is a normal, healthy emotion, but when chronic, explosive anger spirals out of control, it can have serious consequences for your relationships, your health, and your state of mind.
With insight about the real reasons for your anger and these anger management tools, you can learn to keep your temper from hijacking your life.
The emotion of anger is neither good nor bad. It’s perfectly healthy and normal to feel angry when you’ve been mistreated or wronged. The feeling isn’t the problem – it’s what you do with it that makes a difference. Anger becomes a problem when it harms you or others.
If you have a hot temper, you may feel like it’s out of your hands and there’s little you can do to tame the beast. But you have more control over your anger than you think. You can learn to express your emotions without hurting others – and when you do, you’ll not only feel better, you’ll also be more likely to get your needs met. Mastering the art of anger management takes work, but the more you practice, the easier it will get. And the payoff can be huge. Learning to control your anger and express it appropriately can help you build better relationships, achieve your goals, and lead a healthier, more satisfying life.
Myths and Facts about Anger
Myth: I shouldn’t “hold in” my anger. It’s healthy to vent and let it out.
Fact: While it’s true that suppressing and ignoring anger is unhealthy, venting is no better. Anger is not something you have to “let out” in an aggressive way in order to avoid blowing up. In fact, outbursts and tirades only fuel the fire and reinforce your anger problem.
Myth: Anger, aggression, and intimidation help me earn respect and get what I want.
Fact: True power doesn’t come from bullying others. People may be afraid of you, but they won’t respect you if you can’t control yourself or handle opposing viewpoints. Others will be more willing to listen to you and accommodate your needs if you communicate in a respectful way.
Myth: I can’t help myself. Anger isn’t something you can control.
Fact: You can’t always control the situation you’re in or how it makes you feel, but you can control how you express your anger. And you can express your anger without being verbally or physically abusive. Even if someone is pushing your buttons, you always have a choice about how to respond.
Myth: Anger management is about learning to suppress your anger.
Fact: Never getting angry is not a good goal. Anger is normal, and it will come out regardless of how hard you try to suppress it. Anger management is all about becoming aware of your underlying feelings and needs and developing healthier ways to manage upset. Rather than trying to suppress your anger, the goal is to express it in constructive ways.
Why anger management is important
You might think that venting your anger is healthy, that the people around you are too sensitive, that your anger is justified, or that you need to show your fury to get respect. But the truth is that anger is much more likely to damage your relationships, impair your judgment, get in the way of success, and have a negative impact on the way people see you.
Out-of-control anger hurts your physical health. Constantly operating at high levels of stress and tension is bad for your health. Chronic anger makes you more susceptible to heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol levels, a weakened immune system, insomnia, and high blood pressure.
Out-of-control anger hurts your mental health. Chronic anger consumes huge amounts of mental energy and clouds your thinking, making it harder to concentrate, see the bigger picture, and enjoy life. It can also lead to stress, depression, and other mental health problems.
Out-of-control anger hurts your career. Constructive criticism, creative differences, and heated debate can be healthy. But lashing out only alienates your colleagues, supervisors, or clients and erodes their respect. What’s more, a bad reputation can follow you wherever you go, making it harder and harder to get ahead.
Out-of-control anger hurts your relationships with others. It causes lasting scars in the people you love most and gets in the way of your friendships and work relationships. Chronic, intense anger makes it hard for others to trust you, speak honestly, or feel comfortable – they never know what is going to set you off or what you will do. Explosive anger is especially damaging to children.
Some Dynamics of Anger
We become more angry when we are stressed and body resources are down.
We are rarely ever angry for the reasons we think.
We are often angry when we didn’t get what we needed as a child.
We often become angry when we see a trait in others we can’t stand in ourselves.
Underneath many current angers are old disappointments, traumas, and triggers.
Sometimes we get angry because we were hurt as a child.
We get angry when a current event brings up an old unresolved situation from the past.
We often feel strong emotion when a situation has a similar content, words or energy that we have felt before.
Child Abuse, Teen Violence higher in Indiana than other states
Children in Indiana are surviving, but they may not be thriving, according to new data released Monday.
The Indiana Youth Institute released their annual KIDS COUNT in Indiana Data Book, which provides information on how Hoosier children are managing. The numbers show the state’s child abuse and neglect rate has risen steadily since 2011. In addition, Hoosier teens report higher levels of dating violence than in many other states.
The book provides information on other key areas such as teen suicide, child poverty and education.
One in ten Indiana high school students have been forced to have sexual intercourse. In comparison, the national average is 6.7 percent.
The data also shows one out of 10 high school students report they are purposely hurt by their partner, the national average is 9.6 percent.
Sandra Ziebold, CEO and executive director of Beacon of Hope Crisis Center, said there is no clear-cut answer as to why Indiana’s teen violence numbers are so high, but it’s important for teens to know what respect looks like in relationships.
“We have to make sure as a society that we are modeling healthy relationships,” Ziebold said. “I think many times teens aren’t aware of what a healthy relationship should look like so maybe they start to model all that they’ve witnessed, could be in their homes.”
One of the many possible aspects for the increase in teen suicide rates could be the increase in teen dating violence.
“When a person is violated through teen violence they feel like their value, there is no value to their life,” said Rosalyn Turcott, Hands of Hope Community Education coordinator. “Because if there was, they would not be treated in such a manner.”
The book shows almost one in 10 high school students attempt to commit suicide, which is above the national average of 8.6 percent.
Child Abuse and Neglect
In 2015, 17 out of every 1,000 Hoosier children were victims of abuse or neglect and that 47.3 percent of all reported cases involved children between the ages of zero to five.
The increase in reports are concerning, but there is also a benefit in the increased numbers of cases, according to Glenn Augustin, vice president of advancement for the Indiana Youth Institute.
“That’s actually a good thing because to ensure children get the intervention they need if they are being abused or neglected, those reports have to come in so the Department of Child Services can investigate them,” Augustin said. “To see the number of calls going up shows that the word is getting out and adults are taking seriously that responsibility that they have to report cases of abuse and neglect.”
The rise in cases is also attributed to the increase of Hoosiers addicted to drugs like opioids. Augustin said parents can neglect their children if they are concerned about receiving their drugs.
Even though Indiana’s economy is improving, one in five Hoosier children are still living in poverty. More than half of children in single-mother homes and almost a quarter of children in single-father homes face poverty. Both statistics are above the national average. Single mothers earn significantly less than what single fathers make and a larger portion of their income goes to child care.
To reduce the number of children effected, Augustin said certain areas need to be tackled.
“Trying to ensure that parents are ready for the responsibilities of raising a child, that they are aware of the resources that are available to them in their community to help them when they maybe are struggling,” Augustin said. “That they feel empowered or willing to seek out those resources when they need help.”