Stress, Emotions, and Nonverbal Communication

Quick stress relief: The first core conflict resolution skill

Being able to manage and relieve stress in the moment is the key to staying balanced, focused, and in control, no matter what challenges you face.  If you don’t know how to stay centered and in control of yourself, you will become overwhelmed in conflict situations and unable to respond in healthy ways.

Psychologist Connie Lillas uses a driving analogy to describe the three most common ways people respond when they’re overwhelmed by stress:

• Foot on the gas.  An angry or agitated stress response.  You’re heated, keyed up, overly emotional, and unable to sit still.
• Foot on the brake.  A withdrawn or depressed stress response. You shut down, space out, and show very little energy or emotion.
• Foot on both gas and brake.  A tense and frozen stress response. You “freeze” under pressure and can’t do anything.  You look paralyzed, but under the surface you’re extremely agitated.

Stress interferes with the ability to resolve conflict by limiting your ability to:

• Accurately read another person’s nonverbal communication.
• Hear what someone is really saying.
• Be aware of your own feelings.
• Be in touch with your deep-rooted needs.
• Communicate your needs clearly.

Is stress a problem or you?

You may be so used to being stressed that you’re not even aware you are stressed.  Stress may be a problem in your life if you identify with the following:

• You often feel tense or tight somewhere in your body.
• You’re not aware of movement in your chest or stomach when you breathe.
• Conflict absorbs your time and attention.

Learn how to beat stress in the moment

The best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress (if you don’t have someone close at hand to talk to) is through the senses: sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell.  But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.

Emotional awareness: The second core conflict resolution skill

Emotional awareness is the key to understanding yourself and others.  If you don’t know how you feel or why you feel that way, you won’t be able to communicate effectively or resolve disagreements.

Although knowing your own feelings may sound simple, many people ignore or try to sedate strong emotions like anger, sadness, and fear.  Your ability to handle conflict, however, depends on being connected to these feelings.  If you’re afraid of strong emotions or if you insist on finding solutions that are strictly rational, your ability to face and resolve differences will be impaired.

Why emotional awareness is a key factor in resolving conflict

Emotional awareness—the consciousness of your moment-to-moment emotional experience—and the ability to manage all of your feelings appropriately is the basis of a communication process that can resolve conflict.

Emotional awareness helps you:

• Understand what is really troubling other people.
• Understand yourself, including what is really troubling you.
• Stay motivated until the conflict is resolved.
• Communicate clearly and effectively.
• Attract and influence others.

Assessing your ability to recognize and manage emotions

The following quiz helps you assess your level of emotional awareness.  Answer the following questions with: almost never, occasionally, often, very frequently, or almost always.  There are no right or wrong responses, only the opportunity to become better acquainted with your emotional responses.

What kind of relationship do I have with my emotions?

• Do you experience feelings that flow, encountering one emotion after another as your experiences change from moment to moment?
• Are your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experience in places like your stomach or chest?
• Do you experience discrete feelings and emotions, such as anger, sadness, fear, joy, each of which is evident in subtle facial expressions?
• Can you experience intense feelings that are strong enough to capture both your attention and that of others?
• Do you pay attention to your emotions?  Do they factor into your decision-making?

If any of these experiences are unfamiliar, your emotions may be turned down or even turned off.  In either case, you may need help developing your emotional awareness.  You can do this by using Helpguide’s free emotional intelligence toolkit.

Nonverbal Communication and Conflict Resolution

The most important information exchanged during conflicts and arguments is often communicated nonverbally.  Nonverbal communication is conveyed by emotionally driven facial expressions, posture, gesture, pace, tone and intensity of voice.

The most important communication is wordless

When people are upset, the words they use rarely convey the issues and needs at the heart of the problem.  When we listen for what is felt—as well as what is said—we connect more deeply to our own needs and emotions, and to those of other people.  Listening in this way also strengthens us, informs us, and makes it easier for others to hear us.

When you’re in the middle of a conflict, paying close attention to the other person’s nonverbal signals may help you figure out what the other person is really saying.  This will allow you to respond in a way that builds trust, and gets to the root of the problem.  A calm tone of voice, a reassuring touch, or an interested or concerned facial expression can go a long way toward relaxing a tense exchange.

Your ability to accurately read another person depends on your own emotional awareness.  The more aware you are of your own emotions, the easier it will be for you to pick up on the wordless clues that reveal what others are feeling.

Using humor in conflict resolution

Once stress and emotion are brought into balance your capacity for joy, pleasure and playfulness is unleashed.  Joy is a deceptively powerful resource.  Studies show that you can surmount adversity, as long as you continue to have moments of joy.  Humor plays a similar role when facing conflict.

You can avoid many confrontations and resolve arguments and disagreements by communicating in a humorous way.  Humor can help you say things that might otherwise be difficult to express without offending someone.  However, it’s important that you laugh with the other person, not at them.  When humor and play are used to reduce tension and anger, reframe problems, and put the situation into perspective, the conflict can actually become an opportunity for greater connection and intimacy.

Tips for managing and resolving conflict

Managing and resolving conflict requires the ability to quickly reduce stress and bring your emotions into balance.  You can ensure that the process is as positive as possible by sticking to the following guidelines:

• Listen for what is felt as well as said.  When we listen we connect more deeply to our own needs and emotions, and to those of other people.  Listening also strengthens us, informs us, and makes it easier for others to hear us when it’s our turn to speak.
• Make conflict resolution the priority rather than winning or “being right.”  Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority.  Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.
• Focus on the present.  If you’re holding on to grudges based on past resentments, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired.  Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem.
• Pick your battles.  Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worthy of your time and energy.  Maybe you don’t want to surrender a parking space if you’ve been circling for 15 minutes, but if there are dozens of empty spots, arguing over a single space isn’t worth it.
• Be willing to forgive.  Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive.  Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.
• Know when to let something go.  If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree.  It takes two people to keep an argument going.  If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.

More help for conflict resolution

Relationships Help Center: Relationships require a willingness to adapt and change as well as skills in communication and emotional awareness.

Resource – HelpGuide.org